Allowance, not Judgment: Meeting Neurodivergent Kids with Presence
Being a child in today’s world is already tough, with so many expectations, judgments, and structures designed to make them “fit.” For neurodivergent children, it can feel even tougher. They are often exquisitely aware of the energetic judgments placed upon them. What they need most isn’t more correction, it’s space to breathe.
The Broken Glass
The other day, I began working with a new client, a bright 6-year-old boy. We were playing a throwing game when a glass jar accidentally broke.
I didn’t react with frustration or scolding. Instead, I said calmly:
“Oops, let’s make sure our feet are safe. Here are shoes for you.”
As I knelt down to clean the glass, he hovered close, watching intently. Then, in a soft and almost defeated voice, like he was bracing himself for me to lash out, the way some adults or teachers might, he asked:
“Are you done with me?”
My heart cracked open. And inside, I wondered: What is he really asking?” And I realized, my firmness with him “Stand on this side of the door please” and my focused action of cleaning the glass might have landed as separation, as this was our first 1:1 day together..
I simply said:
“Oh darling, no. I’m just cleaning this up so we don’t get hurt. Afterward, we’ll keep playing. And next time, let’s look around together first to notice any fragile objects before we play this game again.”
I could see the shift in his body: shoulders dropping, breath easing. He lit up with relief.
The Forest Walk
Later that day, when we went into the forest together, something else happened. He quietly wet his pants. I noticed, but instead of pointing it out or making it a problem, I stayed present.
Inside, I asked myself: What might really be going on here? What else is possible?
A few minutes later, he looked at me with quiet self-awareness and said:
“I’m going to change into shorts when we get home. I got wet crossing the river.”
I met his eyes gently and replied, “I can see that.” Nothing more needed to be said.
When we got home, he changed his clothes right away. No resistance, no shame. Just flow.
Later, reflecting on the moment, I realized I could weave in subtle body awareness games and spacious check-ins during our time together. These gentle practices might help him notice his body’s signals without pressure, while also giving me more insight into how to support him.
The Photo Album
That afternoon, he also showed me a special photo album filled with baby pictures and family adventures. He told me about the memories he remembered and the ones he’d heard from his family. The love and care of his parents, siblings, and neighbors was so apparent.
And yet, I also know he has been in environments that were not an immediate extension of this attitude. In those spaces, he might have been judged, not because those people were mean, but because the environments lacked the resources and perspectives that would allow adults to be present with him.
Even though he is growing up in a family that honors him, not everyone in society meets him with the same allowance or curiosity. (What would it take to create a world that does?)
In that moment, I was reminded why I do this work. My joy and purpose is to show kids and parents that the level of caring, honoring, and celebration of these gifted children exists, and can be expanded.
Here is my unusual point of view: These children are not broken. They are the leaders of the planet. They are here to create a world beyond old structures. And there are those of us who are here to have their backs and create together.
What Allowance Really Means
Allowance doesn’t mean letting children do whatever they want. It means:
If a behavior risks safety, I am clear and firm, but not shaming.
If a behavior could harm themselves or others, I am equally clear, but never at the expense of the child.
For everything else, I drop expectations, stay present, and stay in question.
Allowance means not making a child or yourself wrong. And looking for possibilities that create greater for all.
A Parent’s Words
That evening, I sent his mom a voice message describing our day. This was her response:
“Oh Nihan, your messages brought me to tears. Truly. I’m still crying. Your level of attunement and non-judgmental care for our boy is so moving and healing. Your level of detail describing your day together helped me feel like I was spending the day with you both. Thank you. 🙏🏼 No problem about the broken glass, it sounds like it provided an opportunity for deeper connection and trust building. Lovely how you made space for his response and met him with love/curiosity. I’m very grateful that you two are spending more time together.”
The Tools That Support Me
And I’ll be honest, it may not always be the easiest thing in the world. What allows me to show up in this way, again and again, are the tools I use myself. One of the most powerful is Access Bars®.
I receive regular Bars sessions, and they give me space to breathe. The sticky thoughts, judgments, and energetic “noise” melt away. When I’m not making myself wrong or trying to prove something, everything gets easier. Access Bars opens that space for me, so I can be that space for the children and families I work with. It also allows me to know what kind of environment I require to have this level of presence and ask for it.
What Is Access Bars®?
Access Bars® is a gentle, hands-on technique that allows the brain and the body to release stored tension and let go of the “mental clutter” that keeps us stuck.
For kids, Bars can feel like a reset button, helping them find more calm, ease, and relaxation in their bodies. For parents and educators, it can be a simple yet powerful way to dissolve stress and return to presence.
I not only offer private sessions for both adults and children, but I also teach parents and kids how to use Access Bars themselves. Families often find it creates a new level of connection and ease at home.
Want to Explore More?
If you’d like to dive deeper into the approaches that have shaped my work with children, here are three books and bodies of work that have been life-changing for me:
Would You Teach a Fish to Climb a Tree? by Anne Maxwell
A beautiful resource for understanding and honoring neurodiverse children, and seeing their brilliance rather than seeing them as “problems.”The Gift of Allowance by Gary Douglas
A guide to allowance, not about permissiveness, but about meeting others without judgment, force, or resistance.Pragmatic Psychology by Susanna Mittermaier
An empowering body of work that invites us to go beyond labels and conclusions, and instead use curiosity, questions, and presence to create change.
These teachings have deeply informed how I meet children: not as problems to fix, but as possibilities to nurture.
For Parents & Educators
I offer 1:1 sessions and consultations for parents, educators, and caregivers who would like support in creating more ease with their children, whether at home, in the classroom, or in everyday life. Together, we can explore practical tools that reduce stress, build connection, and honor the brilliance of every child.
If you’d like to know more, you can contact me here.
